Modern Technology, Old-Fashioned Tears

It's been awhile, my dearest readers but I was in serious "thinking mode", trying to figure out my next step and planning for the near future. My mother and I got into a terrible fight, the kind where she lets loose and insults me to the bone. When she gets this way, I'm pretty certain that I have post-traumatic stress syndrome because I get "locked" into what seems to be an invisible "cell" and all's I can think about is how trapped I am, like a caged animal. I get this voice inside of my head screaming for me to run as far as I can away from her and to never return. It's a terrible way to feel and it never ceases to devastate me whenever it happens. I feel such hatred toward my mother at that moment but the only thing I can think of is causing harm and destruction to myself.

I bought a webcam and I have been able to communicate with my son. It was really sad at first and I couldn't stop crying but then those tears turned to joy as I realized how lucky I am to be able to communicate with my son this way. I have never felt closer to him, EVER. The other day, though, my useless ass of an ex-husband gets drunk and starts telling my little boy how I receive a monthly child tax credit in Canada for him and spend it all on myself. What a tool this guy is, what a lowlife. Many times I have felt guilty talking badly about him because he is, after all, my son's father but this person is the epitome of the word useless. Of course my little boy was upset too and he informed me that if I didn't come to Greece and stay with him in two weeks he'll never talk to me again. Man, I gotta get a grip. I need to get this situation under control. I NEVER want to cause this child any pain if I could help it.

It's raining outside and it just won't let up. At least I'm feeling loads better, much more energetic and hopeful for the future. I do have my moments of frustration and fucking boredom because frankly, I want to be independent, have money and ultimately this will lead me to reunite with my son. I feel safe in my room, my little "bubble" but I need to figure out a way to be my own person, once and for all.

I missed a counselling session I had this afternoon but I think I'll reschedule for next week. Every time I talk to someone outside of my situation I always feel better and they don't look at me like I have three heads, like my mother does. Am I lazy? Maybe down deep inside I think that I don't deserve to be understood, that I don't deserve happiness. Maybe I'm so afraid of failure and rejection and that is why I merely "dip my toes" into whatever excites me, because why bother, I'll fail anyways. Sad, really. To live your life in fear and to avoid risks, to play it safe and be miserable, to be super-creative and bursting with energy but to purposely calm yourself into a semi-catatonic state for fear of looking stupid, for wasting your time, for having others tell you "I told you so". I must stop hurting myself NOW. What kind of an example am I going to be to my son, who I am teaching to be brave and full of expression?