Self-preservation

I woke up super early this morning as I have been sleeping a lot. Needless to say, I am very much caught up on my sleep and for the first time in a long time, I feel refreshed and (almost) ready to take on the world. I shall try my HARDEST to get through this hurdle because I know through past experience this is when my negative thinking takes over and I just give up. I staunchly refuse to do that this time. It's MORE than time for me to live authentically and to make the most of my gifts. It's time for me to stop doubting myself. Sylvia Plath even quoted that sef-doubt destroys creativity and how true her words are.

It was my little niece's birthday party on Sunday but I didn't attend. I apologized to my sister but I can't be around people, I feel so self-conscious. Being around kids freaks me out too because I miss my son so much. Truth be told, I've always had an anti-social side to me and it just seems to be getting worse. People really bore me sometimes, especially "mainstreamers". I have always felt like a total misfit and the only time I have felt comfortabe around people was when my boy and I used to go to functions together, probably because I was doing it for him and I knew that he'd enjoy himself because he's such an extrovert. I do have a very sociable side to me, too and I just LOVE meeting new people, but my trust in them has totally disappeared in the last few years. I refuse, however to become bitter, just a little bit cautious. Lastly, I simply cannot be around my mother under these types of circumstances. I know that she's not exactly proud of me and I could just see/feel her cringing when her friends approach me and ask me what I've been up to: "Oh, nothing much, just having a nervous breakdown for the last four (or has it been five
?) years, worked at a strip club for awhile before attempting to grab on to the pole and giving it a whirl myself while high on cocaine and jagshots, which led to my collapse because of severe anemia, resulting in my entering the methadone maintenance program. So, I've been stuck at my mom's, living off of disability checks from which my mother takes a chunk of because she loves money and makes me feel guilty for flushing the toilet too much because it wastes water. Yeah, I've also gained quite a bit of weight because I sleep a lot so I don't have to think about my life. So, how's Johnny's Master's program going at McGill and Anna's PHd in the States going? Congratulations also on Anna's engagement to a successful, educated Greek man with a beach house in Santorini............" You get the picture. The picture that never seems to change and it's ALWAYS about image, image, image and desperately trying to keep up with the Jonesopoulos'. I've been wary of this ever since I was a young girl and noticed the number of women fainting during Easter services because they were too vain to take off their fur coats. I realized that I could NEVER live under that pressure so in a way I hid from the church which looking back was a little immature because I'm sure not EVERYONE was like that. But growing up with a narcissistic mother, I wasn't about to take any chances.