Ready to Trip and Fall

I slipped a few days ago and I truly felt like crap. Alas, I forced myself to forgive the devil inside of me because I should actually feel proud of myself for how I have been doing since December. I highly doubt that I will ever do this again. As long as the methadone keeps working for me, I really see no way that I should screw up, because it's the opiates that ultimately give me the thrill and state of mind that I seek, all of that other junk is disgusting. I mean I really don't want to feel all wired up and on edge with a stomacheache and headache and a fucked up brain pushing me for "more". Also, if you're getting it free there's also a price to pay and that's one game I have never been good at. What am I left with at the end? A feeling of desperation and disappointment, a wildly beating heart, and a bad case of insomnia. NOT WORTH IT!!!!!

I haven't been getting along with my mother lately. She went straight for the jugular the other day just because I asked her to drive me to Shopper's for maxi pads. That woman is nuts. I've also had to deal with my ex-husband who was surely dropped on his head when he was a baby because I cannot explain this guy's behaviour otherwise. Drunk or not, the man's got deep problems. After being married, I can understand how people can hire someone to "off" the other person, especially if they don't fear the consequences.

At least I can skype my little boy now and I am in heaven because of this, it's truly been joyous! I cannot WAIT to parent him from up close once again (sounds kinda funny)--I love being a mommy. My heart still hurts being away from him but it's a teeny bit better now.

I'm supposed to go out with D this weekend. he's actually been calling me lately, except for the week he forgot he was to go to court and ended up in jail (I know, I know). I just don't know what to make of this guy. He owns his own roofing company and has a little boy but he still seems a tad immature. Right this moment, I really don't feel like starting to see anyone but I get so lonely. What would really make me happy (besided the obvious of having my son with me) is to have a writing career. I really need to have some sort of encouragement such as an editor saying they like my work or something like that. My heart just hurts so badly that I haven't done all of the creative things that I have always craved to do from a young age and it's really bringing me down lately. The last thing I want to do is get depressed. I JUST WANT SOMETHING GOOD TO HAPPEN TO ME!!!!! I know only I have the power to make it happen but I just get so down on myself and overwhelmed and then just tired, so exhausted.