Shreddies and Sunflower Seeds

FINALLY, last night I managed to get into the shower and totally defuzz myself and shampoo my scalp until it throbbed, as if thanking me. It felt absolutely wonderful having the super-hot water run through my hair and my entire body. I used a hard brush to really get clean and get my circulation going all through my body, from my head to my toes. I felt reborn and in a great mood since I had talked to my little boy earlier that day.

So I got out of the shower and found that my undies and nightie barely fit me and when I glanced at myself in the mirror, I almost didn't recognize myself--I've really gained a lot of weight. I need to cut down on the milk and become more active. I'm sure I'll look better once I get my hair done but still.......

Oh, vanity--where has it gotten me anyways? I'm not with my son and that to me is the most important thing EVER!!!! I still have a few weeks to get my dieting going. I mean, I'm by no means fat but I can feel my thighs rubbing together when I walk and my legs are super-skinny (or were for that matter). I seriously have no control over my Shreddies and sunflower seed intake. And it certainly shows.

The last few days I've been reading other blogs and boy, do us addicts ever have a lot in common. Holy. I am determined to avoid all other drugs but what "normal, non-addicted" people don't realize is that there's always that devil on your shoulder telling you to try it "one more time", to "reward" yourself for doing so well, to "prove" to yourself that it wasn't that fabulous after all. All sorts of rationalizations to convince yourself to get into another state of mind. Luckily, I try and focus on the headaches I used to get from the coke, the bitterness that used to drip down my throat, and the waste of money that could have gone to better things. I don't think I should go off of the Clonazepam because even if the effect is a placebo, it seems to help me overcome the cravings. My opiate cravings are nil, still by the way, thank God.

I am going to my sister's this Saturday to spend the night since my mom is having a dinner party. The last thing I want to do is be with my mom and a bunch of her judgemental friends brag about their "overachieving" children and there's me, little pathetic old me. I'll get a chance to spend some time with my niece whom I adore but I will need to get back ASAP because something always goes wrong there and I end up being the scapegoat. I mean my nephew ends up stealing my fake ponytail hairpiece (an expensive, Rachel Welch one, no less) and a beautiful black leather ring from Israel and I get called "paranoid" of all things. The last time I was there he erased ten hour's worth of writing on the computer and I get called incompetent PLUS the kid threatens to shoot me as soon as he ca get his hands on a gun (he's 14 so I'd better stear clear!). Also, there's always tension and fights there and whenever I make suggestions like"uh, there's no food or milk should we go to the supermarket", my sister accuses me of being selfish and immature because I never "catch on"" that her and her husband are having "problems". First of all, I'm not psychic and secondly, there's still no fucking food in the house! And besides that, they're ALWAYS fighting anyways, so what else is fucking new? Sheesh. It's like being a kid all over again, except there's nothing to eat!

I think I'll go and have another bowl of Shreddies and from now on, NO MORE SHREDDIES!!!! I seriously look pregnant.