Longing

I have had this TERRIBLE cold/flu for the last few days so alls I've been doing is drinking hot milk with sugar (of course) and sleeping--long, blissful sleep, the kind where when you wake up you're like a kid staring around, disoriented. At least my sleep has been nightmare--free and I haven't been waking up with the thought of hoping the day would go by quickly so I can go back to sleep again. For me, the night is comforting especially now that I'm on methadone and I can finally sleep. That's what I loved about opiates: the deep sleep they brought on, the blissful, trouble-free sleep. But, inevitably the sleep slowly became troubled until I couldn't sleep at all, no matter how many or what type of pills I took. The very comfort that I had been seeking all my life turned on me. But now, I sleep, soundly and like a child and hopefully not in vain. Hopefully, my body and my mind is restoring itself and I can bounce back, better than ever.

My ex-husband graced me with a phone call earlier on today, DRUNK of course, asking me OF ALL THINGS for Burton Cumming's phone number. Yeah, Burton from The Guess Who is from Winnipeg and a lot of people hang out with him here (Winnipeg's quite small) but as if he'd have his number listed and as if he'd go visit my ex-husband while on tour with his band there. Of course, stranger things have happened. Thankfully, he didn't call me back.

Now that I feel better I want to work on my blog full-force and begin my other one as well. That will take up a lot of my time as I have a lot of stories in my head that I am eager to share. I got a comment from this wonderful girl that writes about methadone too and it was exactly what I needed to get the ball rolling big time. Total encouragement. Plus, I found her blog to be interesting and very well written so I'm happy to add her on to my blog list. It's amazing to find others who are going through similar situations as me. For instance Mina writes about experiencing restless leg syndrome like it's the worst thing she's EVER experienced and you know what? It's the worst thing I've ever experienced and it's such a relief to get rid of it on methadone. Who has a year (if you could wait that long drug-free) to wait and see if the leg shakes/pains subside, if your sleep improves and if the days will go by any faster with less anxiety? Who wants to wake up every morning depressed, damning the day and yet feeling guilty at the same time because God has given you this life and you just can't handle it? Methadone is certainly a step in the right direction.

Also, people will tell you how zoned out you feel and how fat you get on it, etc., etc. but I feel as close to normal as I've ever had. Besides that, I highly doubt my brain would ever NOT need opiates after taking them for so many years. Yes, the brain heals but once you've tasted the sweetness of escape, of another way to live, I don't think your brain will ever allow you to forget it. It's almost like having a billion dollars and then losing it. Sad but true. Drugs became my saviour, my sanctuary. I definitely do not want to romanticize its use because it screws you at the end but I'd be a liar if I didn't admit that it makes life easier, especially at the beginning.