Show Me the Money

Got up early and mom drove me to the drugstore to gulp down my methadone. It's so gorgeous out today but I still insist on hibernating because I feel like an ugly, fat mess. Sort of pathetic insulting myself this way but oh well, that's precisely how I view myself. Tomorrow I have an appointment to see my methadone doctor and I'm really looking forward to it because she makes me feel so motivated and her positive thinking really rubs off on me. When I relay my concerns to her she makes me feel normal, not like some sort of freak. Of course I'm going to be scared (actually terrified is a better word) about my future. My nightmare is to be stuck doing yet another "joe job", stuck and positively dreading to wake up in the morning. But who says I have to? My best friend doesn't understand me and she seems to think that I'm acting like a spoiled brat but only I know what I want or don't want. I just don't know how some people do it. My friend, for example, has been working at the deli department at Safeway for decades and I'm assuming that's where she's planning on staying until she retires. I guess she thinks that I am insulting her because I want something more in my life. I'm fucking done trying to please other people, DONE. I have to figure out my own path or else there's no way I can continue living without drugs.

I think that I am going to start on my other writing project today. How exciting! I mean, I have a lot of free time on my hands and man, do I ever enjoy expressing myself on paper. I so want to be able to connect with others through this medium and at the very least people can enjoy reading my stuff. My dream would be to actually help people who have gone through similar things.

I don't know if it's the anemia or if I'm lazy or perhaps a touch depressed but even showering is a major chore for me these days. My hair is matted and the only way I can wear it is in a ponytail. I avoid taking the elastic out because every time I do another chunk falls off. I also haven't brushed my teeth in awhile and my gums bleed when I do, surely a sign of poor dental hygeine. In a way, I'm rebelling against beauty and the rituals associated with it. You could say I was a slave to them before but I actually enjoyed taking care of myself and then it got to the point of "fuck it, being attractive got me nowhere in life except noticed by the opposite sex so now I don't even want to look in the mirror, so there!" Silly, as personal grooming and hygeine are important but I tend to do things in extremes. Perhaps getting my hair done at the end of the month will motivate me more because I am starting to get the itch to be with people. What I want more than anything, however is to start making money by making the most of my talents and the gifts God has given me. See, this is when things begin to get "sticky". I will attempt to do everything possible to better myself but what if something goes wrong, then what? That's where the true test lies of whether I will go back to drugs again. Truthfully, I am so angry and confused and I just want and need a helping hand. I am sick of waiting for something good to happen in my life, to discover a path where I can be an independent woman and be able to support my son, and to be proud of myself. I just don't think I can handle any more hurt and disapointments. I am so very exhausted and I don't even have the energy to cry any more. If so many shitty things have happened and I've taken full responsibility then why can't one good thing happen where I am just blown away? That's precisely what I need in order to keep going on the right track.

For sure I have many things to be grateful for but why is it cosidered ungrateful and greedy to admit that life has let you down and that it just SUCKS to be me? I'm tired of being patient and waiting for something good to happen. Then why don't I go and get it, you ask? I'm trying, first of all and secondly, why is everyone so scared of admitting that being broke is like virtually not existing but wait of course I'm alive if I wasn't then I wouldn't feel so lost and helpless. Oh, dear God help me find my way PLEASE. I am so tired.