Shine

Spoke with my best friend first thing in the morning and I must say, the girl is a gem. I would be EMPTY without her support, the girl has been so good to me, even when I have gone through periods of just wanting to be alone. Let's just say that she doesn't make me feel like a freak, the way my mom or other people do and I really need that or I would not be able to go through this process. I just wish I could make her understand about my issues surrounding employment and my need to express myself through creative avenues. I just cannot stand "normal" jobs. I feel like I will surely go crazy if I ever get one again. I would much rather be on disability FOREVER and live in a dive. It drives me crazy when I go to Shopper's or wherever and they ask me for additional information, it's so repetitive. I mean I worked at the Bay once too and I had to try to convince people to sign up for credit cards and ask them for their "points" cards and all that kind of fucking bullshit that drains the creativity from one's brains. It's simply companies desperately attempting to make even more money from their customers while they should instead concentrate on hiring bright people instead of dimwits who don't have a clue about customer service or company culture. They just want "parrots" and "sheep" who can become their slaves/robots, to erase everyone's personality and individuality. They even fucking tell you how to style your hair!!!! I have never experienced dealing with so many clueless people which made me wonder how they are able to feed themselves on a daily basis. No wonder there is so much fraud going on in companies, I can't imagine these fools who run companies or own businesses making money the right way: great customer service, treating their employees properly, and actually being blessed with a teeny bit of business acumen or perhaps reading up on it or observing and learning from others. Too much ego and too little brains. It just makes me want to branch out on my own even more and the less people I have to deal with, the better because I really want to deal with those I can learn something from. That's what it is: I need to be constantly learning and my brain needs constant stimulation. Hopefully, I can entertain others with my writing or I can make them feel better if they are going through the same things that I am.

I set up my anti-virus up today (yes, I consider that an accomplishment since I am still kind of intimidated by computers) and I am still struggling with getting my facebook set up so that I can send my little guy messages every day instead of stalking him through the phone.

It's a beautiful Sunday afternoon but I refuse to go out in public until I am presentable. This may sound silly to most but looking good is part of my identity, not a huge one any more but it still provides me with a sort of armor to deal with the world. If I can only get my intellectual abilities organized then there is nothing that can stop me!!!! I really think that I can do it.

I think back to when I was 19 and I didn't want to face myself and what I needed to do for my future and it was just easier to get all dolled up and go drinking and dancing with my girls. Male attention was all I needed to feel whole and the fact that time was on my side kept me patient to a certain degree. But whenever the question of what I would like to do came creeping up into my brain, I would pop a pill and all doubts and insecurities would go away and turning on the TV and opening up a freshly purchased magazine or book would placate me and I would escape into my own little world where nothing mattered. Mom could rant and rave for hours on end, insulting me and damning the day that I was born but I couldn't hear her over the sounds of blissful waves the pills provided me with. It was a viscious cycle which included codeine, sleeping pills, anti-anxiety wafers put under the tongue for maximum and lightning-quick absorption. I lost my sex drive so going out and flirting didn't excite me in the least and frankly, I found the bar scene rather boring. My friends worried about me, worried that I would look back and not have enough memories of being young but I much prefered the warm blanket the opiates wrapped me in, reaasuring me that everything with the world was well.

Sometimes, I would make an honest effort to quit but dope sickness is not for the meek. It would begin with terrible aches throughout my legs and then the dull pain would travel throughout all of my joints. But before I could diagnose myself as having arthritis, I would stay up all night kicking (hence the phrase "kicking the habit") and drenched in sweat, I already knew it was too late and that I would need to get to a drugstore fast. A handful of over the counter codeine tablets mixed with gravol would certainly bring back to normal. When I would feel that oh so subtle warmth pass throughout my entire body, I knew that I would be set for the next four or five hours.

Going to the doctor was an event for me. I treated going to walk-in clinics the way others would treat going on a picnic. Exciting but tiring. It was an all day event and it knocked the wind out of me because for one, I'm a shitty actress and secondly, I have a conscience. I was so excited to what I would be prescribed. Tylenol#3's were the easiest to get but good stuff like Valium needed more of a production: I needed to come up with a story to validate "extreme anxiety and nightmares" and to also draw out sympathy from the doctor. I felt so much shame when I once told a doctor that I was sexually assaulted, I definitely did not treat these little ventures as something to be proud of but I knew that Valium mixed with a bit of alcohol would turn me into the life of the party that night or I'd even screw the going out and just float through life for the next few days. Many times I would feel like I couldn't breathe until I got those pills down my throat. I felt helpless, I felt ashamed, I felt invigorated, my need for more insatiable. So many emotions at once with the goal being to erase every single one of them. Feeling was for wimps, not for cool girls like me. Sure, I was fucked up but who wasn't? I'd figure it out, I had time.

So what did I learn through desentizing myself all these years that I can pass on to others? Trust me, I am not the ultimate authority on recovery but I think that we can all learn things from each other. What I have learned is to find a passion, something that will get those" feel-good" chemicals in your brain moving so that you won't need to go elsewhere for a "fix". For the most part I believe that those of us who abuse drugs have some sort of emotional issues left over from childhood so getting into some sort of counselling would benefit. I know that it has done wonders for me. The first time I told a counsellor how I felt and felt a flicker of empathy in her eyes and the way she nodded her head to indicate understanding, my whole life changed. It was as if a miracle had occured right before my very eyes! Before that I had always felt like a freak but if you take a chance and share your insecurities with a trained professional, great things can happen to your life. For those who need to socialize more and want to stay away from people who are "using" joining an AA or NA group and grabbing yourself a sponsor is a suggestion. Many friendships have been forged this way and getting together with people who share common goals is beneficial . Also, the more sober time you have, the more you can extend your helping hand to others which is very self confidence boosting. A little less "me,me,me" can do wonders for the soul.

Personally, I just want to keep on writing, branch out into other areas of writing, and just keep myself barricaded in my room for awhile. I've never been much of a follower, to my detriment at times, but I really need this time to become strong and to become the person and mom, and friend, and sister that I have always wanted to be. Everyone's recovery is different but as human beings we all want and need to SHINE........................................