Just Breathe

Woke up way too late which caused me a bit of anxiety, the "you're useless and lazy, and you'll never amount to anything" sort of stress. Luckily, my two nephews came over and I spent the next few hours chasing them around and pinching their chubby bums and giving them lots of kisses which made them squeal in disgust but I just didn't care--they're so irresistable! I talked to my little boy today and he was in the mood for a nice chat so that was sooooo great since I had spent the day before crying from missing him so much. I also talked to his father because I figure that I have to stay on good terms with him because my plan is to eventually get both of them back here.

I spent the rest of the day on the computer catching up on new clothing and make-up trends since I have allowed my interest in all things beauty fall by the wayside. It's a little pathetic, if you ask me, I can't even go anywhere I'm such a bloody mess. I feel like Cinderella stuck in this room planning my future and only a mini make-over away from going out and finding Prince Charming! Oh, how fun the fantasies of youth but a small part of me refuses to grow up fully. Remaining youthful and fresh and producing new ideas is what makes life and I refuse to become old and bitter and tired through life's trials and tribulations. It's just too easy to give up sometimes.

Bedtime is my favorite part of the day because I sleep so soundly and deeply now. I also feel hopeful for the future and I am giving myself lots of time to become strong and healthy once again. I want to build on that strength when it finally becomes reality and not deny my creative forces and turn to self-destructive behaviours again.

Mom tried to zero in on me today and guilt trip me for not being a success and all that other stuff that she expected from me but I took a deep breath and did not retaliate. I have learned that the things you keep to yourself, cutting others slack is what makes us stronger: not buying into the bullshit of others, just smiling and keep moving along, letting them stew in their own juices.

Not having to go to work each day is such a relief for me. I've had to put up with the most immature of personalities, I've had to nod my head in agreement to the most asinine of comments from managers with shit for brains, and I've had to endure the pettiness of female jealousy run amok. I have yet to work somewhere where people are supportive and helpful to one another. I refused each time to stoop down to their level and these experiences taught me the value of becoming my own boss. There's no way I can work with or "below" any more twits.

I would love to work either on my own or with like-minded people who are mature enough to realize their strengths and weaknesses in themselves and others. Some day I would love to write a book about my experiences at work. I've worked at Greek restaurants, I've taught English overseas, I've worked at cosmetics counters, at high-end fashion boutiques, and low-end strip clubs. It has been enlightening, exhausting, and really bad on the nerves but boy, what a great education on the nature of human beings.