Me, Myself, and I

I woke up later than usual today really missing my little man but I couldn't get a hold of him because he is always out playing with his friends. Children in Greece practically live outside in warm weather, breaking only to go home for a meal. I don't have to worry, though because the little town where he lives is safe and everyone in the neighbourhood watches out for one another. His grandparents watch out for him too so that eases my mind because as a mother I cannot stop the worrying. I just hope he's not exposed to his father's antics, those very antics I protected him from for a good seven years.

It's a beautiful Spring day but I can't see myself venturing out because I look like crap and my period is on full force. Eventually, I would love to take my laptop and head out to the neighbourhood Starbucks but I am not ready yet. I've decided to also start writing about my experiences at the strip club because even though I was high most of the time, I perceived my time there as sort of investigative journalism. Having been raised in an area in the city where pretty much everyone was well off, I'd always wondered how the other half lived. I always thought that the tough, gangster type boys would be a lot more passionate and exciting than the polite, vanilla type ones that I had gone to high school with. But exciting, my ass. It seemed that everyone in that damn club was on drugs, and we're not talking pot, we're talking cocaine and oxycontin mixed with lots and lots of alcohol. Also, it seemed that everyone swore endlessly and talked about sex incessantly. Holy crap, my face was always red with embarassment as I would get fed information that I deemed unecessary and deeply personal. Who on earth would admit to being in a porn movie at the age of sixteen in detail?

I feel lazy today and guilty because all's I want to do is lie around, watch TV and feel sorry for myself. But what good would that do? People around me don't understand that I am happiest at home, reading, writing, and enjoying the pleasure of my own company. When I start to get lonely, there's always the phone. I just feel that I haven't grown a thick enough skin to venture out yet but when I do, watch out! I will be wholly prepared to take the world by storm! It's not like I'm asking for anything totally unrealistic, I just want to be able to make a living through writing and to be with my little boy. Writing brings me such joy in my life and the thought of making a career out of beyond excites me.

On Thursday I have an appointment with my doctor at the methadone clinic and I am looking forward to telling her how I've started writing. I don't think I would have been able to do this without her encouragement. Actually, I am so grateful to everyone who has come through for me this winter: my sisters, my mom, my best friend. When I was working at the club, I almost got kicked out because even during my non-working hours I would get tons of calls, prompting the gossips (including the owners) to come to the conclusion that I was dealing drugs. They even thought I had the pizza guy on my payroll as I would order pizza every night. But where are those people who used to call me now? It's funny that, at least in my case, the very people who almost destroyed me, came through for me at the end: my family. Especially my mom. Who knows where I would have ended up? And for this I will be forever grateful.

I often question if it's me who has changed or my mom. I am definitely a lot less combative now whereas before I was hypersensitive and raw to anything and everything my family used to say. I really don't know exactly what it is but I feel more at peace with myself. Being closer to my niece and nephews has greatly improved my life as well and they have also served as a source of therapy since my son is not with me right now. How can someone feel down when there's a little creature staring up at you smiling with their arms outstretched, expecting nothing but love?