Oh my, I haven't written in awhile and it feels TERRIBLE keeping everything inside, just awful. That's 'cause I don't want to burden anyone with my grief and moodiness and blah, blah, blah but it gets MUCH WORSE when kept inside! I've bottling everything up but at least I'm not resorting to drugs, methadone has truly saved me.
I feel so stuck but at the same time, I know I can achieve things, it's a pitiful place to be. You know I can never relax 100% because I live with my mother and her words can be so callous sometimes. I just don't know anymore.
So I've been pretty much doing the same thing. I wake up, take my methadone,go on the computer and catch up on the news and then to Perez Hilton for celebrity gossip. I drink about 7 cups of warm milk with sugar and a pinch of instant coffee throughout the day and contemplate my life. I don't go out much because I am self-conscious about my hair (I know, how shallow but still....). Actually, I am insecure about everything and I just want to hibernate. The only time I feel twinges of happiness is when I talk to my son and also when my niece and nephews come over. Children have the knack of really taking you outside of yourself. But I HATE complaining and not finding a solution so I've decided to write ALOT more on my blogs. In addition to that, I want to turn this blog into something more fun while still keeping its main spirit, which is a blog about facing life's problems while on methadone. I'm also thinking about taking a writing class because I'm pretty much ready to venture out, even though I have a touch of agoraphobia. Oh well, I must be strong, what choice do I have?
I MUST turn my life around but I feel soooo damn weak sometimes, all's I wanna do is cry, get under my comforter and screw the world. Depression? Perhaps a touch but it's the type that one must have in order to act and change for the better. I wish I knew more people going through the same thing as I am. Having said that, perhaps I'll join something on the Internet. I'm just not that into going to meetings throughout the city, I've tried it more that a dozen times.
Tomorrow I am going to start FRESH. I've had a whole week to figure things out and frankly, what's there to figure out except to keep on living, find something that you are passionate about and to endure hardship through strength and patience.
4 comments:
Just write everything you want to ;) It's your blog.
I hate to keep everything to myself as well, it makes you feel even worse.
I'm also searching for people who are going through similar things. To have people i can talk with that understand the situation. Because i can't do it IRL. I kept my addiction a secret from the start. From my family and all my friends. The only thing they noticed were my money problems and that i didn't go out as much anymore (to clubs and parties).
But now, 2 1/2 years after i started methadone, i'm back to normal and my money problems are gone as well. You won't ever notice i'm addicted if you would see me.
The only person in my life who knows everything is my boyfriend, who is on methadone as well. Though, he's going to detox soon. I don't want to whine, or talk about those things with him too much.
So i'm trying to do those things online now. Where do you plan on joining online? Because i'd love to find other places as well :)
Hey girl,
You always make me feel 100% better! As far as more resources go for communication, I'm thinking about joining twitter. What about skype? That's how I communicate with my son in Greece and it's amazing, I must say!
Don't forget to post, young lady and we'll talk soon! Have a great day.
Glad i could make you feel better ;)
Would be great to see you on twitter! There are some really nice people on there.
I have no skype yet. Just AIM, MSN and ICQ. But maybe i sign up for skype too. I had skype a few years ago.
I think about adding a few photos to my next post. I have a lot of fun right now with my new camera :)
See you soon and take care!
Hi! Really hope you're ok!? I know, i haven't blogged very interesting things lately lol. My mind was kind of empty and i was chronically low on energy. But that will hopefully change with my increase i get next week. Then i'll probably post non-stop :)
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