Health Sciences Detox

"I wish I could show you when you are lonely or in darkness the astonishing light of your own being." (source unknown)


After having spent two weeks in detox, I found the above quote scribbled on a piece of paper in one of my bags when I got home. Of course, I broke out in tears because I couldn't believe that someone cared enough to write this and slip it into my bag. I kinda had an idea who it was but that was not the point. I felt deeply touched and vowed to look at it every morning when I awoke. Why? To remind myself that I exist, that I am actually human because many times I have this deep sense of depersonalization, that I am just not "there" and that is when I have to look in the mirror and peer at my reflection, to make certain that I do, indeed share space with every one else in the universe and that we all breathe the same air. I reckon that after being told so many times in your life that you are useless, a burden, a dirty creature that doesn't deserve to live, you start to wonder if you are actually visible, even to yourself. You begin to question your very existence, your sanity.


I love going to the hospital to detox. I adore the welcoming little sections with curtains for doors, like little cocoons ready to accept those of us who have felt rejection one too many times elsewhere. I love the way the nurses never refuse requests for more meds (unless, of course, you are over the limit and in danger of ODing), meds that will more than ensure a good night's sleep and a comfortably numb day. I like all the different people who happen to share the same disease and their willingness to share their stories for anyone who is interested in listening. I like the way the staff structures our days, little mini-breaks from the routine of sleeping, eating (blech!), and med dosing. AA or crocheting anyone? What about some finger painting? I feel so pampered when the nurse asks me to come over to the nurse's station to have my blood pressure taken and my pupils checked in order to determine how well I am doing. The best is when the doctor comes to visit you personally first thing in the morning and devotes some time to you. I get excited when they increase your dose of benzos and methadone when you convince them that you are suffering more than you really are. Yes, drug withdrawal is a bitch but succeeding in convincing a doctor to overmedicate you for the first few days makes things so much better. What do you expect from an addict,anyway, presumably one who has crashed and and is forced to get off the rollercoaster or die--what's a few more days of floating on a cloud?


Detox always makes me feel like a kid in summer camp with everyone sharing and trying to outdo one another with their "war stories" and playing Scrabble until bedtime. I wish I could stay forever but inevitably the day comes when you are drinking your no-name peach juice and asking the nurses for something to "take away the nausea" and you are called into the doctor's office, told how great you've done and that it's time to go in a few days. Go where? It's such a scary world out there but you vow that things will turn out differently this time: you'll find a job you really like, you'll find the perfect boyfriend. Never again will you come across people who try to drag you down and if you do, you will never allow them to succeed. The short time between detox and going home is a time of hope, hope that this will be the last time that you'll ever have to start all over again.