Tears, White Chocolate, and Magazines

Oh my God, I have truly missed writing, it truly is unhealthy holding everything inside. I miss my girl Mina, I feel like I have abandoned you or something because you ALWAYS make me feel better when I get down in this transitional and lonely time in my life. Also, welcome to my blog Gledwood, I have been checking your blog out for quite awhile now and you surely are an interesting character, to say the least.

Well, I FINALLY got my hair done and I've always felt like such a goddess in blonde hair, even though I'm not skinny minny anymore. I've become addicted to expensive white chocolate bars, Lindt(I don't know if that's the correct spelling). They went on sale a few weeks ago and I pretty much cleaned out the section they were in. Whenever something feels good, I just can't stop. It's like this switch goes on in my brain and I have to take it ALL THE DAMN WAY..............

I haven't been doing much but my best friend and I have come to the conclusion that I would make a great real estate agent so I've been researching that because I REALLY need to get out there, I feel almost ready.

It's still hard living with my mom, she's like major Miz Ice Queen, heaven forbid I should cry and express an ounce of feeling, she'll brow beat me into submission just by looking at me like I have two heads! Frustrating as hell. I am going to take your advice Mina and just WRITE, I feel better already and lighter. After all, it's just life and the tide will soon turn. I just fucking wish it wasn't so bloody hot, I feel like I'm melting, like candle wax. If I had a fan I would just lie in front of it for hours until the temp went down. Perhaps I should just go to the corner Starbucks with my laptop, there's an idea. Maybe I can even flirt with some random cute guy but I'm SOOOO fucking lazy, I know I'll just end up calling up a taxi and going to Shopper's for some white chocolate and a magazine.

I shall be writing alot more, perhaps even later on. I feel better already. Expressing myself and doing what I love and adore(writing)ALWAYS makes me feel much, much better. Looking forward to comments, as always and news.

Kisses.................

I Will Survive

Oh my, I haven't written in awhile and it feels TERRIBLE keeping everything inside, just awful. That's 'cause I don't want to burden anyone with my grief and moodiness and blah, blah, blah but it gets MUCH WORSE when kept inside! I've bottling everything up but at least I'm not resorting to drugs, methadone has truly saved me.

I feel so stuck but at the same time, I know I can achieve things, it's a pitiful place to be. You know I can never relax 100% because I live with my mother and her words can be so callous sometimes. I just don't know anymore.

So I've been pretty much doing the same thing. I wake up, take my methadone,go on the computer and catch up on the news and then to Perez Hilton for celebrity gossip. I drink about 7 cups of warm milk with sugar and a pinch of instant coffee throughout the day and contemplate my life. I don't go out much because I am self-conscious about my hair (I know, how shallow but still....). Actually, I am insecure about everything and I just want to hibernate. The only time I feel twinges of happiness is when I talk to my son and also when my niece and nephews come over. Children have the knack of really taking you outside of yourself. But I HATE complaining and not finding a solution so I've decided to write ALOT more on my blogs. In addition to that, I want to turn this blog into something more fun while still keeping its main spirit, which is a blog about facing life's problems while on methadone. I'm also thinking about taking a writing class because I'm pretty much ready to venture out, even though I have a touch of agoraphobia. Oh well, I must be strong, what choice do I have?

I MUST turn my life around but I feel soooo damn weak sometimes, all's I wanna do is cry, get under my comforter and screw the world. Depression? Perhaps a touch but it's the type that one must have in order to act and change for the better. I wish I knew more people going through the same thing as I am. Having said that, perhaps I'll join something on the Internet. I'm just not that into going to meetings throughout the city, I've tried it more that a dozen times.

Tomorrow I am going to start FRESH. I've had a whole week to figure things out and frankly, what's there to figure out except to keep on living, find something that you are passionate about and to endure hardship through strength and patience.

It's Raining, it's Pouring

I've been super-depressed these past few days and real antsy. I've been getting some pretty nasty dreams too. It's bad enough that I wake up damning the sun and the day sometimes but to have my brain filled with images from bad dreams doesn't help, either. At least I finally took a nice, hot shower last night and shaved my legs. I love the way my legs feel against each other when they're freshly de-fuzzed, it makes sleeping all the better.

It's been raining outside and it's windy, perfect for hiding out and not feeling guilty about it. I mean when it's a beautiful day I feel like a freak stuck in my room, like some sort of eccentric people-hater but that's not how it is at all. I get really scared, really, PROFOUNDLY terrified. I want to do things right this time. I want to pursue a legitimate writing job and I also want to be my own boss. I'm going to write a letter to the editors of newspapers with samples of my writing and my interests. Frankly, I'm willing to do anything as long as I get my foot in the door. Our papers here in Winnipeg need something unique, something light, something like a writer who conducts social experiments, for example or something Carrie Bradshawish. But original. Gotta try doing it. It's now or never and anyways how long before someone actually goes crazy by not living an authentic life? I know I will if I don't and I don't know how I even maintained my sanity (or most of it) by living otherwise. I guess that's where the drug part comes in.

Super-bored tonight. Wish I had someone to play Scrabble with. Oh, God Angela stop feeling sorry for yourself and go watch some TV................

The Pathetic and the Profound

Today I came across two incredible you tube videos. I guess I'm gonna have to learn how to actually put them on the blog and make things easier. My dearest readers, if you're out there, tell me what you think about these two clips. One is a two year old smoking and I did not know whether to laugh, cry, or start swearing at the people watching this kid. I must admit, though, IT'S FUCKING HILARIOUS!!!!! The other is a clip from the Pretty Reckless (yeah, yeah, that chick from Gossip Girl--I never watched that show but this girl's got PASSION and what a voice on her!). The song is called "Make Me Wanna Die" and it's the acoustic version and it's YUMMY.

Anjelah Johnson

I found this really funny comedienne TOTALLY by accident on the internet and her name is Anjelah Johnson. She is hilarious and her imitations are perfection. Check her out and enjoy.............

Self-preservation

I woke up super early this morning as I have been sleeping a lot. Needless to say, I am very much caught up on my sleep and for the first time in a long time, I feel refreshed and (almost) ready to take on the world. I shall try my HARDEST to get through this hurdle because I know through past experience this is when my negative thinking takes over and I just give up. I staunchly refuse to do that this time. It's MORE than time for me to live authentically and to make the most of my gifts. It's time for me to stop doubting myself. Sylvia Plath even quoted that sef-doubt destroys creativity and how true her words are.

It was my little niece's birthday party on Sunday but I didn't attend. I apologized to my sister but I can't be around people, I feel so self-conscious. Being around kids freaks me out too because I miss my son so much. Truth be told, I've always had an anti-social side to me and it just seems to be getting worse. People really bore me sometimes, especially "mainstreamers". I have always felt like a total misfit and the only time I have felt comfortabe around people was when my boy and I used to go to functions together, probably because I was doing it for him and I knew that he'd enjoy himself because he's such an extrovert. I do have a very sociable side to me, too and I just LOVE meeting new people, but my trust in them has totally disappeared in the last few years. I refuse, however to become bitter, just a little bit cautious. Lastly, I simply cannot be around my mother under these types of circumstances. I know that she's not exactly proud of me and I could just see/feel her cringing when her friends approach me and ask me what I've been up to: "Oh, nothing much, just having a nervous breakdown for the last four (or has it been five
?) years, worked at a strip club for awhile before attempting to grab on to the pole and giving it a whirl myself while high on cocaine and jagshots, which led to my collapse because of severe anemia, resulting in my entering the methadone maintenance program. So, I've been stuck at my mom's, living off of disability checks from which my mother takes a chunk of because she loves money and makes me feel guilty for flushing the toilet too much because it wastes water. Yeah, I've also gained quite a bit of weight because I sleep a lot so I don't have to think about my life. So, how's Johnny's Master's program going at McGill and Anna's PHd in the States going? Congratulations also on Anna's engagement to a successful, educated Greek man with a beach house in Santorini............" You get the picture. The picture that never seems to change and it's ALWAYS about image, image, image and desperately trying to keep up with the Jonesopoulos'. I've been wary of this ever since I was a young girl and noticed the number of women fainting during Easter services because they were too vain to take off their fur coats. I realized that I could NEVER live under that pressure so in a way I hid from the church which looking back was a little immature because I'm sure not EVERYONE was like that. But growing up with a narcissistic mother, I wasn't about to take any chances.

Longing

I have had this TERRIBLE cold/flu for the last few days so alls I've been doing is drinking hot milk with sugar (of course) and sleeping--long, blissful sleep, the kind where when you wake up you're like a kid staring around, disoriented. At least my sleep has been nightmare--free and I haven't been waking up with the thought of hoping the day would go by quickly so I can go back to sleep again. For me, the night is comforting especially now that I'm on methadone and I can finally sleep. That's what I loved about opiates: the deep sleep they brought on, the blissful, trouble-free sleep. But, inevitably the sleep slowly became troubled until I couldn't sleep at all, no matter how many or what type of pills I took. The very comfort that I had been seeking all my life turned on me. But now, I sleep, soundly and like a child and hopefully not in vain. Hopefully, my body and my mind is restoring itself and I can bounce back, better than ever.

My ex-husband graced me with a phone call earlier on today, DRUNK of course, asking me OF ALL THINGS for Burton Cumming's phone number. Yeah, Burton from The Guess Who is from Winnipeg and a lot of people hang out with him here (Winnipeg's quite small) but as if he'd have his number listed and as if he'd go visit my ex-husband while on tour with his band there. Of course, stranger things have happened. Thankfully, he didn't call me back.

Now that I feel better I want to work on my blog full-force and begin my other one as well. That will take up a lot of my time as I have a lot of stories in my head that I am eager to share. I got a comment from this wonderful girl that writes about methadone too and it was exactly what I needed to get the ball rolling big time. Total encouragement. Plus, I found her blog to be interesting and very well written so I'm happy to add her on to my blog list. It's amazing to find others who are going through similar situations as me. For instance Mina writes about experiencing restless leg syndrome like it's the worst thing she's EVER experienced and you know what? It's the worst thing I've ever experienced and it's such a relief to get rid of it on methadone. Who has a year (if you could wait that long drug-free) to wait and see if the leg shakes/pains subside, if your sleep improves and if the days will go by any faster with less anxiety? Who wants to wake up every morning depressed, damning the day and yet feeling guilty at the same time because God has given you this life and you just can't handle it? Methadone is certainly a step in the right direction.

Also, people will tell you how zoned out you feel and how fat you get on it, etc., etc. but I feel as close to normal as I've ever had. Besides that, I highly doubt my brain would ever NOT need opiates after taking them for so many years. Yes, the brain heals but once you've tasted the sweetness of escape, of another way to live, I don't think your brain will ever allow you to forget it. It's almost like having a billion dollars and then losing it. Sad but true. Drugs became my saviour, my sanctuary. I definitely do not want to romanticize its use because it screws you at the end but I'd be a liar if I didn't admit that it makes life easier, especially at the beginning.