I Will Survive

Oh my, I haven't written in awhile and it feels TERRIBLE keeping everything inside, just awful. That's 'cause I don't want to burden anyone with my grief and moodiness and blah, blah, blah but it gets MUCH WORSE when kept inside! I've bottling everything up but at least I'm not resorting to drugs, methadone has truly saved me.

I feel so stuck but at the same time, I know I can achieve things, it's a pitiful place to be. You know I can never relax 100% because I live with my mother and her words can be so callous sometimes. I just don't know anymore.

So I've been pretty much doing the same thing. I wake up, take my methadone,go on the computer and catch up on the news and then to Perez Hilton for celebrity gossip. I drink about 7 cups of warm milk with sugar and a pinch of instant coffee throughout the day and contemplate my life. I don't go out much because I am self-conscious about my hair (I know, how shallow but still....). Actually, I am insecure about everything and I just want to hibernate. The only time I feel twinges of happiness is when I talk to my son and also when my niece and nephews come over. Children have the knack of really taking you outside of yourself. But I HATE complaining and not finding a solution so I've decided to write ALOT more on my blogs. In addition to that, I want to turn this blog into something more fun while still keeping its main spirit, which is a blog about facing life's problems while on methadone. I'm also thinking about taking a writing class because I'm pretty much ready to venture out, even though I have a touch of agoraphobia. Oh well, I must be strong, what choice do I have?

I MUST turn my life around but I feel soooo damn weak sometimes, all's I wanna do is cry, get under my comforter and screw the world. Depression? Perhaps a touch but it's the type that one must have in order to act and change for the better. I wish I knew more people going through the same thing as I am. Having said that, perhaps I'll join something on the Internet. I'm just not that into going to meetings throughout the city, I've tried it more that a dozen times.

Tomorrow I am going to start FRESH. I've had a whole week to figure things out and frankly, what's there to figure out except to keep on living, find something that you are passionate about and to endure hardship through strength and patience.